Friday, January 23, 2009

Today Was Tough

Okay, so I have been somewhat absent from the blogging world for a while now. I have been around reading everyone's blogs, but I just haven't had it in me to write my own blog. I have pictures to upload and post on here because I want to write about them, but I just don't feel like it. Everyday I keep thinking that today is the day. I will upload my pictures and then I will blog about it and everything will be back to normal, but it won't. I want to do these things but then when it comes time to do it, I really just don't want to at all. I feel like I want to write some special post about my dad, or for my dad, or whatever, but I can't. Then I want to write about other stuff that I normally write about on here, but I can't seem to do that either. It is all just so frustrating.

I saw my dad, spent time with him, and even talked to him a little bit in my dreams today while I was taking a nap. I was happy when I woke up. I am always excited to have dreams about my dad because they always make me feel better. It always seems like he is talking to me and telling me how he is doing. This is the second dream that I have had like this where my dad was talking to me, and the third dream that I have had about him since I came back home. (While I was in Longview after his death I had several dreams pretty much every night) I am taking a psychology class this semester and we are supposed to learn about dreams and memories, so I am hoping to gain some insight to some of this. Really I am just looking forward to learning about why we dream and why we dream about certain things. I'm not too sure what chapter that is so it could be a while until I get to that point of the class, but when I do get there I will make sure to let you all know what I learn. :) So back to my ramblings on my dreams and my dad, right after I woke up I went to meet Mr. D for his dinner break. We ate at this new Italian place (very good) and then I headed to Target to pick up a few things. The whole time I was in the store I just couldn't stop thinking about my dad and I had tears in my eyes for the majority of my trip through the store. I really do get like this often and it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Anyway, I made it through the store and then to my house. I parked, turned off the headlights, was about to turn off the car when all of a sudden Clocks by Coldplay starting playing on the radio. I just burst into tears as I sat in the dark listening to the lyrics and just wondering about my dad.

Some days are just harder than others.

I know that my life is forever changed now that my dad is gone. I know that there will be many sleepless nights, dreams, memories, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that are directly related to him. Those days will most likely be the most difficult. I just hope that I deal with everything well. As far as people in my family, I have lost 3 uncles and a grandfather. During the times after their deaths, the greiving process didn't seem to last too long really. The hardest by far was when my grandpa, Henry, passed away, but it was nothing compared to this. I don't know a whole lot about greiving, but I do know that there are several steps to the whole process. I don't know if I will experience all of the steps or how long it will even take for that matter. I just hope that I can grieve properly but also maintain myself at the same time. I am pretty sure that I can do this, but I am just slightly concerned especially since I am a student. I want to keep my focus.

Ohh there is just so much that I think about and that wonders in and out of my head throughout the passing days. Right now I feel like I am just kind of rambling and not making a whole lot of sense. I don't know, I have been crying while writing different parts of this post and I am not going to proof read this either. It is what it is and that is good enough for me. I can't believe that I actually kept writing because when I started this post I thought it would only be one small paragraph. Maybe this is what I needed to get over the hump and maybe tomorrow I will upload my photos. Getting them from the camera to the actual computer is the first step. So don't hold your breath because who knows when you will see the pictures that I have to share. They aren't super exciting anyway, but you all know that I like to post pictures of my family, friends, and things that I am doing. Anyway, that is all for tonight. Mr. D will be home from work soon. I hope you all have a good weekend.


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